I am often asked this question. Let me just say, you are not alone.

You may have been discouraged by well-meaning people telling you, “You can’t, so stop trying.”

But there are some things you can do to make your life and theirs more tolerable, and even joyful, when you love someone that excessively uses alcohol or drugs.

First, how many times have you told them it bothers you that they drink or use?

Has that worked yet? If it has, great! You are one of the lucky ones attached to someone that does not have a problem with drinking or drug use.

If it has not worked, why don’t you try to stop asking? Perhaps you do it to get your feelings off your chest, out in the open, knowing that clear communication is supposed to strengthen relationships. You’re afraid maybe that you will make yourself sick by holding it in. Or are you afraid that if you stop raising the issue that they will think everything is all right, you don’t mind the behavior anymore?

Think about it, though: has sending this message repeatedly helped communication between you? Very often it leads to angry accusations of “You’re trying to control me!”. Once the perception takes root that this is a control battle rather than a legitimate expression of concern, it grows and works its tendrils into every interaction, whether the situation involves drugs or alcohol or not. The relationship becomes strangled with the contrary pulls of the user’s defense of their freedom against your wish for their well-being.

So, what can you do instead? First, to ease your mind that you are not misunderstood, you can say something like:

“I don’t like how my concern about your drinking has taken over our whole relationship, so I’m not going to keep talking about it. Please do not think that means I have stopped worrying or being upset about it. I want you to stop. But I want our relationship back! I want to have fun with you and enjoy your company, so I’m not going to bring it up anymore. If I feel upset about it, I will leave you alone and wait until I can enjoy being with you again.”

Don’t just hold it in, though. You’re right, if you do you could make yourself sick! Find a trusted friend who has been in your situation and has found relief to share your feelings with. The best way to find such a person is to attend Al-anon meetings, which has the highest concentration of experience, strength and hope about this situation in the world. Luckily, there are such meetings all over the world, in person and online. To find meetings in your area, go to www.al-anon.org.

Make sure you have other things to do that you truly enjoy - and do them. Once you let go of the burden you had no power to carry in the first place, it is amazing how much energy you will free up and how much lighter you will feel. No longer dependent on another person’s behavior for your happiness, you will be liberated to discover your own joys in life.